Here in California, the San Andreas Fault runs through the state like a lifeline. It’s almost as if it’s a varicose vein that punctuates our geography. California, in and of itself, cannot be defined without any of the earthquake faults that stab our country side. It wouldn’t be the same landscape, or lifestyle, without them. I think personality faults are a lot like earthquake faults. They reside within us, sometimes at the surface and sometimes far below. Something can trip each fault, causing something to rupture. Little quakes are forgivable, many times not felt, and fun if you really think about it. Giant quakes can be catastrophic. Arguments, confrontations, and telling someone their fault to their face can be like the 7.6 1989 Loma Preita Earthquake and its effect on the Bay Bridge. The damage is still being repaired, and things will never be the same.
No one likes to admit that they really know their own faults. It takes years of therapy, insight and determination to get to a place being comfortable with what’s “wrong” with you. I am not exempt from this. After spending more than a decade looking so directly at each of my underlying traits, both good and bad, I feel as if I know myself better than anyone. I feign, that yes I’m still searching, but in reality I know EXACTLY who I am and what I want. I, of course, blame my staunch inner critic for this. Yet, I find some sort of solace in the fact that I am who I am, and I really don’t want to change that. Obviously, there are things on a superficial level that I can’t wait to alter: Weight, hair, tangible things… but in all honesty, I don’t want to change who I intrinsically am. I refuse to apologize for any of my short-comings, and feel I shouldn’t have to. That is why it is so hard to hear from someone else what my faults are to my face.
It’s weird when people assume that they really know someone else. That they think they know exactly why someone did something or what they were really thinking. This happens to me more than I’d like it to. Sometimes the motivation for my actions is taken so greatly out of proportion, that the intention of whatever it is I did, is altered to another level. It’s often perceived to be some sort of motivation that I didn’t even think of, or am capable of doing. It’s irksome, annoying and most of all… hurtful. These little stabs at what is not real hurt and cause the little cracks in my personality to unravel, leaving some sort of scar that can never be repaired. It’s much like a tiny earthquake’s damage, that even with some sort of retrofitting, will never be the same way it was before the tiny tremor that caused it to change in the first place. I can gloss over things, and take the attack and pretend that “everything will be okay.” Yet, I know myself, and everything is different never to be fixed.
I’m sure many of you can see through my very thinly veiled metaphors that someone confronted me recently, and told me some of my faults. Instead of ruminating on this, and being sorry for my actions, I have decided to take a different approach. I have decided to grow from this scuffle and become the better person. Do I think I was in the wrong? A little bit. Do I feel bad that I did what I did? Not really. Am I going to apologize for who I am? Never. Now, disagreements are subjective. I know on the other side my actions are perceived as horrible, but I also know that deep down I don’t care. What’s most damaging are the assumptions that were made about me, that I was attacked with my guard down, and that some sort of “win” was formed. That is not the case… We all know that what doesn’t hurt you, makes you stronger. I thank this person for telling me all my faults to my face and claiming that “everyone thinks this.” I thank this person for assuming that I didn’t know the truth about myself (believe me I KNOW). And what I really want to be known is, that when someone thinks that they can attack me, and that I’m weak… they should really think again.
I guess part of the retrofitting process is to be prepared for future movement along the fault lines. I know that with this recent jolt to my being, whenever I’m emotionally shoved again, I’ll be ready to withstand the quake… even though I know that some sort of mark will be left there forever. And I’m okay with that.
